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halfamoonTitle: Undeserving
Fandom: X-Men
Author: Apache Firecat
Characters: Kitty, mentions Rachel/Betsy, past Kitty/Rachel, Kitty/Illyana, Piotr/Kitty, Pete/Kitty, and Rigby/Kitty
Rating: R/M
Summary: Kitty dreams.
Word Count: 1,935
Written For: HalfAMoon 2025: Day 7. Best Friends or Sidekicks
Date Written: 5 February 2025
Warnings: Spoilers, Cannon Character Deaths, Suicidal Thoughts
Disclaimer: All characters within belong to their rightful owners, not the author, and are used without permission.
Their laughter fills the warm, Spring air. She remembers another time, a happier time, when the same sounds of their laughter had instead belonged to herself and one of the other women, the more beautiful, the more powerful, her former best friend. It hurts. She can admit that now, here in dreamland watching as she's heard their frolicking in the sea by what was once her home.
She no longer has a home. She no longer feels that she belongs anywhere, and indeed she left that home in Scotland because she felt she no longer belonged there, because she could not release her own past. She could not then, and she cannot now. They all suffer from their past far too much, Rachel included. Perhaps that was part of why she didn't come back to her this time, but she herself had not exactly made that reunion easy. She was a murderer, a killer, a monster -- and the last thing her bright, beautiful Rachel needed was another darkness to add to her own.
Magneto was right. Her upper lip pulls back in a derisive snort even in her sleep. It's so odd, to think the Professor's greatest enemy was ever right about anything -- even if he was also the Professor's greatest love. As Rachel was hers. Only... Was she? It's so hard to tell these days, these nights... She loved Rachel with all her heart, still does, with what's left of it. But she is not the only one.
There is a part of her -- even if she likes to tell herself when she's awake and conscious of the reminiscent feelings -- that likes to think the only reason she still misses Piotr, the reason she came so close to marrying him before, was because she first loved him during a time when her life was so much simpler, easier, the moral decisions she is forced to make in her everyday life so much clearer and, again, easier. She still loves Piotr, but it is not the same. It will never again be the same, just as Illyana told her before she backed out of marrying him. 'lyana should know -- after all, Kitty loves them both equally.
And still, they are not the only ones. There are nights when she longs for Peter, for Wisdom not Rasputin. It was strange. It was always strange, but somehow, in some weird way, she felt safer with him than she does even now, with all her knowledge and abilities. He was an older man, wiser in the ways of the world if not in general, and when she first met him -- there had been a part of her that had still been a scared, little girl. She is wise enough, self-assured enough to be able to admit that now, even if only in dream whispers to herself.
She misses him too, but doesn't miss the man, much like with Piotr, nearly as much as she misses who she had been when she was with him. She had felt stronger then, more self-assured. Krakoa has done so much to her. Back then, she had still been insecure when it came to romance, still seeking someone to take the lead and... and to take care of her as she'd always believed her father should have cared for her mother. As she had once believed Piotr would care for her.
Yet, when she had been with Pete, she'd still not been happy. She had been a young, naiive fool even then. She had had the love of a good man, a strong and loyal man with whom she could have built a future in or beyond the X-Men of whatever team or nationality. But she had let herself become convinced she might be missing something by not being with someone of her own age. That was the true reason why she had allowed Rigby to kiss her. She had known the boy was falling for her, and the thought that she could still attract someone her own age -- let alone a good, young man with a good head on his shoulders and a bright future -- had excited and enticed her right away from Wisdom. He had been right to leave her.
She wonders if he thinks of her still as she does of him but hopes he doesn't. He had had so much for which to atone, and just as she would darken Rachel if given the chance, she would also darken him. They are all better off without her for she is no longer a good person. She was... once. But no more. There is far too much blood on her hands, on her very soul.
She twists and turns as the images of all those she has slain begin to flash through her mind again, bits and memories of each kill. None of them stood a chance, not really, not against an assassin trained by Wolverine, Ogun, and SHIELD who could easily phase through the very best attempts. It had been a bloodbath, blood from her blades, from her hands...
Kitty wakes, screaming, as she does every night. She reaches out in the darkness, groping for her best friend, but he is not there. He has his own family now, and rightfully chose to stay in outer space with them this last time. He is happy. She does check on him on occasion, while never allowing him to know the nightmare that has become her life. 'Heed deserves better. They all deserve better than her.
Waking further, bloody images of those she's killed still filling her mind, Kitty pulls herself up to a sitting position and wraps her arms tightly around her legs. She used to sit like this quite often, back in the "good, ole days", back in Scotland where she'd watch the ships sail by and dream of what her life beyond the X-Men might be like, had she had one. Sometimes she wishes she had never come home. But the killer was always inside of her, just waiting for a chance to be loosed.
She is the one who gave it that. She can try to put the blame on Ogun, or on the blood-thirstiness of her enemies, or on the survival of her people all she wants in the light of day, but the simple truth is there was always other ways, always better ways. She did not have to kill to be killed, or to stop others from killing. There were always other ways, and she should have found them. She would have once, once upon a time when she'd been a young girl still so full of hope and love.
She still loves, but she loves too much and her love is dangerous. Every one of those she has loved has been right to leave her. It is no wonder that her only loyal companion these days, other than children who are so desperately eager to learn about their powers, is the former White Queen. Emma has her faults, but she's never shied away from admitting them. Kitty knows, has always known since she was a kid, that recognizing the truth is half the battle. She knows she is a monster. She has recognized that truth. But she cannot go back. She cannot repair anything she has destroyed, resurrect any of the countless lives she's stopped. All she can do is go forward.
All anyone can ever do really is to keep marching forward, fighting for a better tomorrow, and not succumbing to the sins of the past. Logan had taught her that so many years ago. Every day is a new tomorrow, a new chance to do better, to do, learn, and be better. She can feel the sun rising on the horizon, knows exactly what time it is by instinct for she's awakened every day at this same time for most of her life now. She is still an X-Man, rather by name or by heart, rather through an actual team affiliation or not. She had begged the Professor to let her stay on the team. Perhaps her life would have been better, easier, if she had never done so, or if he had simply stood by his decision. But he had always been another person driven by love.
Yet love led to darkness. It led to destruction. It led to heartache. It led to being willing to kill for what one believed in.
It won't do any good to linger here in bed, Kitty knows. She'll not be able to sleep any more today even if she tries, nor will she be able to force the nightmares from her mind without a little help. She rises from her bed and crosses over to her nightstand. She glances at her phone, where more messages that will go unanswered blink up at her. She could so easily pick up that phone and call any number of people. Some would beg her to come back, while others would listen and feed her the lies that she isn't as evil as she knows she is.
Logan would listen. He would listen, not judge, and not try to stuff her full of cotton-candy lies. But he has his own life now. They all have their own lives, as it should be. Rachel is happy, genuinely, truly happy for the first time since they were together so freely in Scotland. Illyana is doing well in Alaska, and Kurt is with family who care for him in Louisiana. She would be welcomed in any of those places. She might even be welcome if she could find Peter again, if she looked for him. She could likely be happy with any of them. She still loves them all.
But she does not deserve happiness. She does not deserve family. She is a killer, and she must make her way alone in this world. It is what she deserves. Besides, if she gets involved again, at one point or another, she'll simply end up killing again. It is better this way. This way, the world is safe from her. She glances again at her phone as she thinks, Even if the kids are not. She really must convince Emma that someone else is better to care for them -- but it's certainly not the White Queen or the Red Queen.
Kitty scoffs again, at her own foolish mistakes. She should have known something was wrong, something was wrong with her and their world the moment she'd agreed to ally herself with the White Queen and adopt any persona from the Hellfire Club, let alone in the Hellfire Club. She had become a monster, and she had failed to fight it long before she'd actually started her bloody massacre. She was a murderer, a serial murderer.
She deserved no happiness or love. But she had to live. Suicide didn't exactly work for people like her. Somebody always stopped it or found a way to force her back. She had to survive. But she did not have to love or allow herself luxuries she never deserved. She picks up her flask and drinks deeply. This is the only friend she deserves. She heads out her door, thinking again of her old man, not of Carmen Pryde but of the man who truly raised her, the "monster" named Wolverine, the man known and loved by his family and friends as Logan.
Perhaps one day she will call him, but not today. Today she just takes another page out of his book, surviving alone and drinking when the memories get too much.
The End
Fandom: X-Men
Author: Apache Firecat
Characters: Kitty, mentions Rachel/Betsy, past Kitty/Rachel, Kitty/Illyana, Piotr/Kitty, Pete/Kitty, and Rigby/Kitty
Rating: R/M
Summary: Kitty dreams.
Word Count: 1,935
Written For: HalfAMoon 2025: Day 7. Best Friends or Sidekicks
Date Written: 5 February 2025
Warnings: Spoilers, Cannon Character Deaths, Suicidal Thoughts
Disclaimer: All characters within belong to their rightful owners, not the author, and are used without permission.
Their laughter fills the warm, Spring air. She remembers another time, a happier time, when the same sounds of their laughter had instead belonged to herself and one of the other women, the more beautiful, the more powerful, her former best friend. It hurts. She can admit that now, here in dreamland watching as she's heard their frolicking in the sea by what was once her home.
She no longer has a home. She no longer feels that she belongs anywhere, and indeed she left that home in Scotland because she felt she no longer belonged there, because she could not release her own past. She could not then, and she cannot now. They all suffer from their past far too much, Rachel included. Perhaps that was part of why she didn't come back to her this time, but she herself had not exactly made that reunion easy. She was a murderer, a killer, a monster -- and the last thing her bright, beautiful Rachel needed was another darkness to add to her own.
Magneto was right. Her upper lip pulls back in a derisive snort even in her sleep. It's so odd, to think the Professor's greatest enemy was ever right about anything -- even if he was also the Professor's greatest love. As Rachel was hers. Only... Was she? It's so hard to tell these days, these nights... She loved Rachel with all her heart, still does, with what's left of it. But she is not the only one.
There is a part of her -- even if she likes to tell herself when she's awake and conscious of the reminiscent feelings -- that likes to think the only reason she still misses Piotr, the reason she came so close to marrying him before, was because she first loved him during a time when her life was so much simpler, easier, the moral decisions she is forced to make in her everyday life so much clearer and, again, easier. She still loves Piotr, but it is not the same. It will never again be the same, just as Illyana told her before she backed out of marrying him. 'lyana should know -- after all, Kitty loves them both equally.
And still, they are not the only ones. There are nights when she longs for Peter, for Wisdom not Rasputin. It was strange. It was always strange, but somehow, in some weird way, she felt safer with him than she does even now, with all her knowledge and abilities. He was an older man, wiser in the ways of the world if not in general, and when she first met him -- there had been a part of her that had still been a scared, little girl. She is wise enough, self-assured enough to be able to admit that now, even if only in dream whispers to herself.
She misses him too, but doesn't miss the man, much like with Piotr, nearly as much as she misses who she had been when she was with him. She had felt stronger then, more self-assured. Krakoa has done so much to her. Back then, she had still been insecure when it came to romance, still seeking someone to take the lead and... and to take care of her as she'd always believed her father should have cared for her mother. As she had once believed Piotr would care for her.
Yet, when she had been with Pete, she'd still not been happy. She had been a young, naiive fool even then. She had had the love of a good man, a strong and loyal man with whom she could have built a future in or beyond the X-Men of whatever team or nationality. But she had let herself become convinced she might be missing something by not being with someone of her own age. That was the true reason why she had allowed Rigby to kiss her. She had known the boy was falling for her, and the thought that she could still attract someone her own age -- let alone a good, young man with a good head on his shoulders and a bright future -- had excited and enticed her right away from Wisdom. He had been right to leave her.
She wonders if he thinks of her still as she does of him but hopes he doesn't. He had had so much for which to atone, and just as she would darken Rachel if given the chance, she would also darken him. They are all better off without her for she is no longer a good person. She was... once. But no more. There is far too much blood on her hands, on her very soul.
She twists and turns as the images of all those she has slain begin to flash through her mind again, bits and memories of each kill. None of them stood a chance, not really, not against an assassin trained by Wolverine, Ogun, and SHIELD who could easily phase through the very best attempts. It had been a bloodbath, blood from her blades, from her hands...
Kitty wakes, screaming, as she does every night. She reaches out in the darkness, groping for her best friend, but he is not there. He has his own family now, and rightfully chose to stay in outer space with them this last time. He is happy. She does check on him on occasion, while never allowing him to know the nightmare that has become her life. 'Heed deserves better. They all deserve better than her.
Waking further, bloody images of those she's killed still filling her mind, Kitty pulls herself up to a sitting position and wraps her arms tightly around her legs. She used to sit like this quite often, back in the "good, ole days", back in Scotland where she'd watch the ships sail by and dream of what her life beyond the X-Men might be like, had she had one. Sometimes she wishes she had never come home. But the killer was always inside of her, just waiting for a chance to be loosed.
She is the one who gave it that. She can try to put the blame on Ogun, or on the blood-thirstiness of her enemies, or on the survival of her people all she wants in the light of day, but the simple truth is there was always other ways, always better ways. She did not have to kill to be killed, or to stop others from killing. There were always other ways, and she should have found them. She would have once, once upon a time when she'd been a young girl still so full of hope and love.
She still loves, but she loves too much and her love is dangerous. Every one of those she has loved has been right to leave her. It is no wonder that her only loyal companion these days, other than children who are so desperately eager to learn about their powers, is the former White Queen. Emma has her faults, but she's never shied away from admitting them. Kitty knows, has always known since she was a kid, that recognizing the truth is half the battle. She knows she is a monster. She has recognized that truth. But she cannot go back. She cannot repair anything she has destroyed, resurrect any of the countless lives she's stopped. All she can do is go forward.
All anyone can ever do really is to keep marching forward, fighting for a better tomorrow, and not succumbing to the sins of the past. Logan had taught her that so many years ago. Every day is a new tomorrow, a new chance to do better, to do, learn, and be better. She can feel the sun rising on the horizon, knows exactly what time it is by instinct for she's awakened every day at this same time for most of her life now. She is still an X-Man, rather by name or by heart, rather through an actual team affiliation or not. She had begged the Professor to let her stay on the team. Perhaps her life would have been better, easier, if she had never done so, or if he had simply stood by his decision. But he had always been another person driven by love.
Yet love led to darkness. It led to destruction. It led to heartache. It led to being willing to kill for what one believed in.
It won't do any good to linger here in bed, Kitty knows. She'll not be able to sleep any more today even if she tries, nor will she be able to force the nightmares from her mind without a little help. She rises from her bed and crosses over to her nightstand. She glances at her phone, where more messages that will go unanswered blink up at her. She could so easily pick up that phone and call any number of people. Some would beg her to come back, while others would listen and feed her the lies that she isn't as evil as she knows she is.
Logan would listen. He would listen, not judge, and not try to stuff her full of cotton-candy lies. But he has his own life now. They all have their own lives, as it should be. Rachel is happy, genuinely, truly happy for the first time since they were together so freely in Scotland. Illyana is doing well in Alaska, and Kurt is with family who care for him in Louisiana. She would be welcomed in any of those places. She might even be welcome if she could find Peter again, if she looked for him. She could likely be happy with any of them. She still loves them all.
But she does not deserve happiness. She does not deserve family. She is a killer, and she must make her way alone in this world. It is what she deserves. Besides, if she gets involved again, at one point or another, she'll simply end up killing again. It is better this way. This way, the world is safe from her. She glances again at her phone as she thinks, Even if the kids are not. She really must convince Emma that someone else is better to care for them -- but it's certainly not the White Queen or the Red Queen.
Kitty scoffs again, at her own foolish mistakes. She should have known something was wrong, something was wrong with her and their world the moment she'd agreed to ally herself with the White Queen and adopt any persona from the Hellfire Club, let alone in the Hellfire Club. She had become a monster, and she had failed to fight it long before she'd actually started her bloody massacre. She was a murderer, a serial murderer.
She deserved no happiness or love. But she had to live. Suicide didn't exactly work for people like her. Somebody always stopped it or found a way to force her back. She had to survive. But she did not have to love or allow herself luxuries she never deserved. She picks up her flask and drinks deeply. This is the only friend she deserves. She heads out her door, thinking again of her old man, not of Carmen Pryde but of the man who truly raised her, the "monster" named Wolverine, the man known and loved by his family and friends as Logan.
Perhaps one day she will call him, but not today. Today she just takes another page out of his book, surviving alone and drinking when the memories get too much.
The End
